The Chronicles of Closet Twihards: Episode I
by imperial violets
Summary: Episode I: Masturbating With Popsicles. A twihard. Robert Pattinson. The Vamp. Need we say more! Episode II now up! Find it in my stories. The Chronicles of Closet Twihards will return in Episode III: Searching for Bobby Dupea.


This is rated MT: for mature Twihard audiences only.

A/N:

We, the authors of this absurdity, do not own Twilight, Robert Pattinson (although we wish we did), The Vamp (literally and figuratively), or any other recognizable products in this story. However, we do own a Robert Pattinson DVD collection, and a series of other Twihard necessities that we will not admit to owning because…

We are still in the Twihard closet.

So, we would like to dedicate this, the first edition in our series, to all the closet-Twihards out there.

ALSO we understand that all Twihards out there are not Vamp using TwiHARDS. It's just a ridiculous story idea we got while having a lengthily discussion on how sorry we felt for RPatz.

Please do not be offended, only enjoy,

Constantia and imperial violets

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I crawled over the vampire themed gift bags, pushed aside the life-size cutout of Edward Cullen, and parted the sea of Twilight themed balloons before I found the elevator's 'door close' button. I had just planned, partaken in, and packed up the most humiliating bridal shower known to man. I spent most of my time sitting at the 'Alice' table trying to look superior to the room of Twihards that were dancing around gushing over 'Team Edward' thongs and 'I love boys who sparkle!' tank tops. I could tell the hotel staff thought we were all completely insane. All the while all I could think of was the Twilight fanfic I had been reading religiously and how I could get away to read the update without anyone finding out what I was up to. I had denied being a Twifan to all the other bridesmaids, and told myself that fanfics didn't count since I only read the AU-Human anyway. I had yet to come out of the Twihard-closet.

I began pressing the 'close door' button, but nothing happened. Why do these buttons even exist if they never work on demand? Lugging this stuff up to Julie's room is mortifying enough, being in the elevator with someone else would make me post a FML blogg. I checked over the shoulder of the Edward Cullen cut out, the open doors had me second-guessing that I was pressing the right button. I breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator doors began to close; I had been about to start punching the goddamn button. But, before they could meet, the doors were forced open again by some asswipe who stuck their hand in.

Now I was pissed. Not only did I now have to relocate the stupid button that supposedly told the stupid doors to close but I also had to share the elevator with the largest collection of sparkling vampire paraphernalia known to man and some fucktard who was in too much of a hurry to wait for an elevator with more than a square foot of unoccupied space. People can be such frustrating asses.

I threw aside the nearest bundle of balloons totally prepared to cuss out the douchebag that decided to squeeze into _my_ elevator when I stopped dead in my tracks as I remembered the FML promise. I looked around and grabbed the nearest gift bag that had Edward's face plastered across it and made my best attempt at hiding behind it.

That was when the 'asswipe' turned around and saw all my glorious merchandise and me for the first time. His immediate reaction was only too appropriate.

"Shit."

Of all people to sneak into my elevator while I look like an obsessive fan girl it had to be Robert Pattinson! Why did the Twigods hate me! Just then, the elevator lurched to a stand still. The humiliation was only going to continue. It was my turn to apropos the situation.

"Shit."

I slowly lowered the bag to try and discreetly glance overtop of it. I was hoping the man pressed up against the wall of the elevator was only a hallucination brought on by my seemingly never ending Twilight filled day. But, I was not that lucky. I was _not_ hallucinating. I was definitely not dreaming either since one of the gift bags slipped from my hand, landing heavily on my foot causing me to cry out in pain.

I watched as Rob flinched away from my outburst, whipped out his iPhone and began furiously texting while cowering in the corner from the assumed Twihard fan.

I gave up my attempt at hiding, dropped everything from my arms, and slunk down the wall to plant my ass on the floor.

"They're not mine," I heard myself say.

"Right," He responded without bothering to look up from his iPhone.

"Fuck my life."

"What did you say?" He asked a bit confused, as if he should be saying my last statement.

"You heard me," I said staring at the elevator button board too pissed off at this point to be polite. "Like I said, it's not mine. So don't flatter yourself."

He mumbled something incoherently and sat down next to me a little more relaxed. I decided I should keep up the indifferent mean girl act as it puts this delicious smelling god at ease.

Rob's phone chimed and he quickly checked it.

"We should be moving again in a few minutes if we're lucky," He stated.

I just nodded.

We sat there for what seemed like eons with only my muttered cursing breaking the awkward silence. There I was, stuck in a fucking elevator with RPattz sitting right next to me and I couldn't say shit for fear of scaring him and/or embarrassing myself further since I had enough twilight memorabilia to open up a very profitable merchandise table at the next Comic Con.

My phone started ringing. I cursed myself as Rob Pattinson's Never Think ring tone played from somewhere in the scattered heap of twilightedness. Instead of trying to locate my purse to answer my call I just sat there lightly banging the back of my head against the wall.

"Is the phone yours?" He asked chuckling to himself.

Shit, all my efforts to prove that I was not some lunatic Twihard fangirl were slowly dissipating. Stupid bride-to-be had to reprogram my ring tones.

"The phone is mine. The ring tone on the other hand isn't, that was recently programmed by your biggest fan and worst fangirl nightmare," I replied, as I wished for the call to hurry up and go to voicemail.

"Are you going to answer that?" He asked hesitantly.

"No! I'm not in the mood to speak with the person that got me into this ridiculous predicament not to mention this ridiculous shirt."

Rob and I sat in silence for a moment as we both waited for the call to finally go to voicemail.

It felt wrong to disturb the quiet of the elevator. I was still embarrassed while Rob on the other hand seemed much more at ease.

"You must be team Jacob then."

"No!"

It was only after my outburst that I realized I had just virtually admitted my love for both him and the perfect, sparkling vampire he portrayed. I made a mental note: if I ever found myself in the presence of Rob Pattinson again, I would run away as fast as possible. Until then, there was no way I was crawling into the hole I had dug myself without putting up a fight.

"Jacob, although a crucial and lovable secondary character, is nothing compared the passionate and at times stimulating hero that is found in Edward Cullen."

"So you find me stimulating?"

"No. Edward Cullen. At times. Other times he portrays a very possessive and dominating boyfriend that many psychologists view as abusive."

"Touché."

You got that right, I thought to myself as I started a little mental happy dance. However, the dancing came to a stop as the painful silence began to take over yet again.

"What do you think of me?" He asked softly, making me jump and pulling me out of my self-satisfied state. He had even moved closer to me. _Gulp!_

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"What do you think of me? Am I at least better than Daniel Radcliff?" He asked shyly.

"Daniel Radcliff has nothing on you," I sighed inwardly.

"Aha!" He turned, with his finger pointed at me.

I guess that was an outward sigh. _Shit._ I had to stop doing that. The minute I got out of the hole I had dug with my lack of verbal editing, I managed to dig a deeper one right next to it. I decided not to bite again and stayed quiet.

He decided that my silence was only a confirmation to his assumption.

"So you are a fan. You do like me," He stated.

I was a smart girl. I could deflect that statement. There was no way I was having Rob think of me as a crazy Twihard fangirl.

"Any one can admire your work in film, as you are a very talented and versatile actor, who is capable of playing many diverse roles."

"Including a vampire?" He asked teasingly.

"It's not your finest work… but yes."

"I see. And just how many of these diverse roles have you seen me play?"

Oh. My. God! Would it have been remotely possible for RPattz to stop using that sex voice of his? It was not helping me keep my poise.

"That is not relevant," I replied. He was not going to break me.

"I beg to differ," He whispered in my ear.

I leaned away from him, as he was too close. And the sexy bastard had the nerve to smirk. It was time for me to take it to the next level.

"Watch it, you giddy medieval-mullet sporting prince!"

"Hey, I take offense to that, it was one of my first films. I had to start somewhere," He stated. His faux frown left his face and begun smirking again. "But, at least you answered my question. _Fangirl_."

"No I'm not!"

I was not coming out of the Twihard closet in front of _Robert Pattinson_!

"Come on! Team Edward. Sword of Xanten reference. You. Are. A. Fangirl!"

"I. Am. Not. A. Fangirl."

"Sure," He began laughing. "What do you base that on?"

"I for one do not masturbate with popsicles to have a sexual Edward Cullen experience."

His face fell. I had finally managed to wipe that dashing grin from his face.

"Twihards do not do that," He said barely in a whisper, as the color drained from his face from shock. Now it was my turn to laugh.

"Yes they do. In fact it's common enough that they have begun creating certain adult toys," I said suggestively.

"No!"

"Yes!"

I begun shuffling through the pile of gifts and found what I was looking for. I took it out and presented it to sweet innocent Rob, who had no idea what was coming to him.

"Rob, please let me introduce you to _The Vamp_. Six-point-seven-five inches of pure Edward Cullen pleasure. Chill it in the fridge for a true vampire experience. Did I mention that it sparkles in the sun?"

"Where did you get that?" He asked in an accusatory tone, while discreetly attempting to move away from me.

The distance put a slight sting in my heart. Maybe I had been too harsh. I understood that I had to respond before my Patty-cakes believed it was mine.

"That was a specific gift request from the Twihard/fangirl bride-to-be. You should have seen how many blackberries and iPhones came out when the guests realized it was only available online for a limited time."

Just then the elevator began to move again, taking us to the designated floor. I was disappointed that we would soon be parting ways.

"I should put this back. Julie was looking forward to using it tonight, that's probably why she was calling earlier."

I collected the mountain of Twigifts and waited for the elevator to stop on my floor.

"Oh and thank you for answering my question," I said as the doors opened.

"You never asked me a question."

"Didn't have to, the fact that you didn't rebut the length of The Vamp answered it for me."

I left the elevator, satisfied with the befuddled expression left on Rob's pretty face. Halfway down the hallway I glanced back, and noticed he was holding the elevator door open watching me like a kid who's been told that monsters do exist.

I gave him a sympathetic smile. I was about to turn around when to my horror my cell phone began to chime, playing my general ring tone 'Chokin' On the Dust'.

He stared at me questioningly.

Eh, what the fuck? I had to come out of the Twihard closet eventually.

"Now _that_ is mine."

"I knew it!" He fell back into the elevator and the doors closed on his thunderous laughter.

A/N:

PLEASE REVIEW!

If you don't we will know you're a Vampurbator!

We are review whores and promise it will take us twice as long to get the next story out if you don't tell us what you think!

Other closet-Twihard ideas are appreciated. 


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